Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
