Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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