I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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