And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
