i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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