ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
