my phone needs a breathalizer
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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