The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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