You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
