i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
