I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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