I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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