I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
