i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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