He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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