apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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