I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize