The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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