I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
