The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
