i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
