Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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