I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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