She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
