I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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