i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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