9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
