That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
