Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
