I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
