I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
