I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
