Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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