my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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