and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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