No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
