What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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