I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
