I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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