the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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