if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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