Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
