There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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