i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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