haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
