I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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