the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
