where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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