i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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