im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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