I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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